i'm sick. and feeling a bit depressed. but, that's nothing new.
and i'm feeling a bit ballsy. not that i actually have any, but that's not the point.
i've always hated my mother's side of the family. yes, i know hate is a strong word, but it's fitting in this situation. they've helped to shape me into a self-conscious, anorexic 16 year old. i've never fit in. i've always been the black sheep of the family. the only people on that side that actually treat me like a human being are one of my cousins, who is basically my brother, my grandfather, grandmother and aunt. other than that, no one really seemed to be able to treat me like a human being. i'm not perfect like my cousin. oh bug. she's the best damn thing since sliced bread. she got great grades, was in marching band, and played sports. i was always compared to her. "maybe one day, you'll be able to do this like bug." everyone thought she was the sweetest girl. bullshit. she treated me like shit. i was 11. she was watching me over the summer. everyday, she made me workout. "you're fat. you need to eat better and workout". i was 11 fucking years old. and now my parents wonder why i'm anorexic. no one else in the family saw this. i was the only person that really saw the true side of her, not the sugar-coated side she showed the rest of the family. recently, i visited my grandparents. i told my grandmother about how jessica treated me. she was surprised. everyone in the family thought her & i were best buds. for as long as i can remember, i've hated her with every fiber in my being.
bo and i, we were good. he's the brother i've never had and always wanted. i basically grew up at his house. he was the only other person that knew how vicious bug could be, and the only person that spoke up to try to do anything about it. but hanging out with him also caused some of my problems. his mother, my aunt, divorced his father before i was even born. for as long as i can remember, she's been with tim. and for as long as i can remember, i've had to hear the same embarrassing stories about me over and over. i'm 16 years old, and i still have to hear stories about me from when i was five. i'm pretty sure that can't be good for anyone's self-esteem.
hmm.... another uncle. for as long as i can remember, he's always called me baby {insert name here}. at first, it was.... kinda cute. once again, i'm 16. it's old. but, no matter how many times i ask him to stop, he won't. it's so degrading. i can't be treated like a young adult, i have to be called a baby. and last time i checked, i act 100 times more responsibly and maturely than any of them do.
and on that note, a couple positives. thanks to them, i will never ever smoke. my grandfather is killing himself one cigarette at a time, and no one will do a goddamn thing to stop him. also, i will never drink obscene amounts of alcohol. i will never ever let myself become a bunch of drunks like them. my uncle almost killed himself trying to breathe fire with everclear and a cigar lighter while drunk. i'm sure as fucking hell not going to let that shit happen to me.
this family has driven me insane. i've been to the point of contemplating suicide a few times thanks to them. they've shaped me into the human being that i am. cynical, depressed, self-consious. i can't look at myself in the mirror without picking out each flaw thanks to them. i used to be a happy-go-lucky kid. now, that' gone forever. i can't have a healthy relationship with my boyfriend. he loves me to pieces, no matter what i look like. but i'll never be thin enough or pretty enough for my own tastes. no matter how many times he tells me i'm beautful or that he loves me exactly how i am, i can't believe him.
thanks for listening.
